eat light:

Mundanity

2009-12-06T21:31:49Z

Had a good weekend. I know, it's not over yet, but still. Friday night I went out for karaoke at Bush Garden, to help a friend and colleague celebrate her newly minted divorce. Yesterday I went back to the ID for dim-sum at Jade Garden with Chris, Le'a, and Patrice. It was delicious, as usual.

Today has been lazy so far. I slept in, had toast, OJ, and tea for breakfast, and did some internet puttering while eating and savoring my tea. Not doing much, just poking here and peering there to see what's what at my usual online haunts. Those are Facebook (sorry), here, Ravelry, MSNBC, the NY Times, and various knit blogs. Also Yahoo, which is my main email site, and which also gives me a daily horoscope, movie times, and current travel prices for my pet destinations. I don't usually think to read my horoscope, but here's what it says for today:

You get a welcome breather from the nonstop action today. You don't know whether you're coming or going, but that's not the least of it. You see the best and worst sides of the people in your life, adding to your confusion about what to do. Following an impulse saves the day, although a more confusing issue remains obscured. It might be best to avoid making any major decision until this fog lifts.

That seems about right. Right now I can supposedly get a ticket to Detroit for just over $230. (I don't believe it...I have clicked through on these before, and found a very different story being told there.)

This week has been pretty crappy for running. I have been feeling very run-down and brain dead for the last...about 9 days (some of you know why)...and haven't run since Thanksgiving day. We'll see about today. Perhaps I will be moved to end this less-than-ideal streak.

What else? Not a lot. I'm mainly writing this to grease my typing joints, to get the brain fluids moving a little bit, and to keep myself from navigating to the Hulu page. I have work to do. I don't have time to watch some crap on Hulu. (In my defense, I don't just sit there and watch; I knit; Hulu is just for background noise. Sometimes I listen to podcasts--particularly This American Life, the Doubleknit Podcast, and the Galactic Watercooler podcast.)

Speaking of knitting, I am working on several projects right now. I started a sweater project for a friend--that's temporarily on hold while I test out the yarn, my technique, and my colorwork charts on a "swatch cap." A swatch cap is basically a gauge swatch (something sweater knitters always make, if they know what's good for them) for knitting in the round, only it 1. uses more yarn; and 2. results in a usable item rather than a useless square that will sit in a drawer forever, attracting moths. So, despite #1, #2 makes the knitting of swatch caps a worthwhile endeavor. I decided to knit this one because the hem ribbing and first couple inches of the actual sweater body (what I've knit so far) show a tendency to "torque" (i.e. to twist, or spiral). My expectation--or at least my hope--is that this will block out. However, I don't want to knit a whole sweater and then discover that it doesn't block out. Better to find out on a hat, and then to amend my technique in some way if necessary, rather than to rip out and re-knit a whole sweater's worth of stitches.

OK, that's probably enough mundane, boring stuff for now. I hope everyone out there is having a nice winter, and a stress-free holiday season.

And now it's to work with me. I have a few papers to grade, and some reading to do.

Cleaning Out/Up

2009-12-02T22:40:40Z

I just finished a huge cleaning/rearranging/purging/organizing stint. I cleaned and rearranged my bedroom. I moved all of my critical theory books to the basement where my workspace is. I got rid of many boxes' worth of old clothes, shoes, costumes, etc. I got rid of a box of books, plus there's a big bag of books that I'm going to return to the UW library. I hung a mirror in my room, hung a swath of cloth over the top of my window. Everything is organized, put away, dust-free, and looking good.

I feel like I have scraped a bunch of barnacles off my keel. I should feel like I can steer better now, like the improved aerodynamics (should I say "aquadynamics," or "hydrodynamics" since this is a boat metaphor?) will allow me to cut through the water better.

I do feel better. I feel more streamlined. I feel accomplished and capable. I feel a renewed sense of purpose. All that is good. But yesterday and today I have also been feeling just...drained of energy, yet oddly restless. Like I need a big nap but whenever I try to settle down for one my mind moves around on its own, jumping from this to that and keeping me awake. I can't stay put.

I want something. I'm not sure what yet, whether it's something more or something else that I want, or what. Maybe it's something less. I just feel like something is missing.

Music sharpens the feeling. It doesn't amplify it--to some extent, it attenuates it, reduces some of the noise, keeps my sensors from being overwhelmed by the signal so that I can suss out the subtleties and the contours. It's not just a solid, loud buzzing or roaring. It has a shape, a melody and harmonies. It plays along my skin and my tendons. It is a blanket. It is sips of cool water on my dry throat. It is a silk chemise. It is a bead of sweat running down my neck. It is the glasses on my nose and the book in my hand.

Screw It

2009-11-19T20:32:46Z

I'm just going to indulge my negative self-talk, get it out here where maybe I'll be able to see it properly, and maybe deconstruct it or at least find some way around or through it to an "other side" that must be better than where I am. Somehow. It must. Be. Better. I'm starting to feel a gut deep panic that I am never going to finish my dissertation, that I will spend the rest of my life looking back on this as a fool's errand, a waste of time, money, effort, and emotional energy. That in itself is bad enough, but along with it I feel like I'll never be able to start up a different career, either; that I'll end up stuck in dead-end, low-paying jobs doing work that starves my brain--and I'm just vain enough to think that I deserve better (HA, "deserve"). It's not the money that really bothers me, though I am sick of living like a fucking graduate student, for fuck's sake. I'm sick of being a graduate student. I feel like an idiot, a slacker, a failure, a poser, an object of well-deserved ridicule and derision, unworthy of being taken seriously as a friend or a colleague, and I'm tired of feeling this way.

At the same time, I wonder why in the hell I rejected my father's approach to life. He had his day job, which was "just a job" to him. It ended up resembling a career, but only because he stayed at the same job for the vast majority of his adult, working life. He did not grow up in a time, place, or class that fostered a need to "love," to feel "called," or even to enjoy the work he did for money. It was always just a paycheck to him, a way to stay fed and clothed, and to feed and clothe his family--in short, a means to the end of security, and he was FINE with that. At the same time, because he stayed at the same job for so long, he got raises, he saved scrupulously toward retirement, and he was also able to afford his hobbies, i.e. his real career, which was entirely separate from his job. He always said that he didn't want to do the things that he loved doing, for money--that getting paid for, say, his woodworking, would take all of the fun out of it. There is something to that. I feel that way about knitting--I am extremely wary of people who urge me to knit on commission. I don't want to turn myself into a knitwear production machine--I enjoy knitting precisely because it is agenda-less; I don't have to knit anything I don't want to knit. Why are we so eager to turn our beloved activities, whatever they are, into wage slavery? Probably because doing work that's meaningful or fun makes wage slavery feel like something else, something other than what it is. And maybe that's not a good thing: just so much mystification and reification, and our direct complicity in that. At the same time, I would much rather spend my working life--since it is also the majority of my waking life--doing something that doesn't suck, that gives me something beyond wages, so there's that. It's a paradox I can't really resolve: in order to critique mystifying, reifying cultural practices, I have to work through structures that require me to avoid demystifying them.

Ahem. Where was I?

As a kid, all I saw was my dad's lack of ambition. I didn't understand, then, that he came from a socioeconomic class that was far lower than the one he enjoyed as an adult--and it's not that we were well off, or anything. But my father experienced real hunger as a child; real poverty and the social stigma and persecution that went with it, of a kind that I can only imagine--thanks largely to his efforts. Someone who grows up through something like that...sure, we all know the fairytale about the billionaire who came from humble beginnings and clawed his way to wealth, or whatever; but I think stories like my dad's are far more common. He made his way upward in the class structure, sure, but he remained acutely aware of how fucking easy it is to lose everything--because he was old enough to actually remember the Great Depression, having come of age in the thick of it. His focus was not on climbing further, flying higher, but rather on building a fortress for himself and his family, a foundation and 4 secure walls to ward off the constant threat of loss and desperation.

So in addition to feeling all manner of crappy described above, I also feel like...well, frankly, like I should have listened to my father, followed his example. What is this "something" we are all encouraged to want to "make" of ourselves, anyway? Why do we feel so compelled to do that through capitalist frames and structures? But I can't seem to move past it. I want it, despite wishing I didn't and feeling like I don't have what it takes. I turn to things that give me a quick fix of feel-good: TV and movies, because they pull me into a narrative that's going somewhere, unlike my own; knitting projects that test and stretch my skills; spinning my wheels on the internets. These are all leading me nowhere (except knitting, which gives me a real sense of accomplishment, albeit not the accomplishment of finishing my dissertation, which is what I'm really hungry for--in that sense, it is often mainly a diversion), and in their aggregate ultimately make me feel worse about my life and my choices. I don't drink to excess, I don't do drugs, I don't overeat...but all this stuff has a narcotic effect on me just the same, pacifying me and distracting me, however fleetingly, from feeling this emptiness and longing--and thereby sparing me from actually doing anything about it. And there's that voice hammering against the inside of my forehead, "I should know better; I have been down this road to nowhere before, and the only way I got off it back then was by crashing my "car" into a "tree" and chopping my way through the thick underbrush until I came to my current path." And that's the problem: what I call my "current path" really isn't, anymore. I left it a couple of years ago, and since then I've been standing next to my broken down car on this fucking main highway, my hazard lights flashing as I wait for some kind of roadside assistance that isn't forthcoming and probably doesn't exist, because I somehow can't comprehend, can't believe, that I have to go hacking through the forest again. (So it comes back around to egotism again...shame and guilt are twisted like that, I guess.) And yet, in truth I don't know why I feel any reluctance about diving back into the proverbial forest. The time I spent doing that, before, was perhaps the best time of my life. I felt alive and fulfilled. You'll probably think I'm romanticizing it--and of course I am, to an extent, because how does one not?--but I have pages and pages of handwritten journal entries to bolster my claim that, even when things were difficult and I was prostrate with grief, or whatever, I loved every minute of my life, and I was perfectly content to focus on the individual steps rather than worrying that they might not lead me to a place I wanted to go. I did not doubt myself because I loved what I was doing. Every day was an adventure, and I felt free. Now I just feel thick and slow, earthbound, static, MEH.

Huh

2009-11-19T08:11:45Z

I seem to have fallen out of the LJ habit. I haven't been here for months. Haven't posted anything, haven't read anything, haven't haven't haven't. Coming here just now, I had to log in and I was worried I wouldn't remember my password.

I think I really need to write, but I can't seem to. I've been posting (somewhat sporadically) to my knitting blog, but I keep that one focused on knitting. This venue seems like a good one, but I feel stuck between wanting to just lay myself out naked on the subway platform at rush hour, and worrying that it's all just gratuitous self-indulgent bullshit so why bother putting it down.

I'm all discombobulated. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. My head feels thick. My fingertips are going numb and my knees are twitchy and my jaw muscles ache and I have a bad taste in my mouth.

Milestone + Urban Hike

2009-07-13T19:19:38Z

I just wanted to show up here to say: I ran my first confirmed 4-miler today. I suspect I may have run at least one, and possibly two, 4-milers while in Portland, but I'm not sure. The Nike running trail is 1.96 miles long, and I ran two laps plus a little bit, both times I used it. BUT...it is also confusing because there is more to the Nike trail than just the big loop: there are crosslinks, little side trails that seem to cut across something approximating the middle. I can't say for sure because there are no signs and no maps. Also, I wasn't wearing a watch. So maybe I ran 3 miles, maybe 4. I'm not sure. But today it was definitely at least 4 miles, and maybe more like 4.1 miles. More importantly, it was an awesome run. Perfect day for it: cool, overcast, and a little bit misty but not full-on rain.

I've been meaning to post about the urban hike/epic walk I took on Saturday. I left home at around lunchtime, maybe 1pm, and stopped at the PCC for some lunchy foodz. I hiked to upper Queen Anne via this super steep hill directly across from the Fremont Bridge. While up there, I bought buttons at Nancy's Sewing Basket, and poked around a couple of sidewalk sale tables. I hooked over to the beautiful park that overlooks the city and enjoyed my lunch while sitting on the steps, admiring the view, and mildly admonishing myself for having forgotten my camera. Then I walked down the steps and zig-zagged my way into and through lower Queen Anne, crossed Denny onto 1st Ave, and walked through Belltown. Eventually I went down to Western to see if I could locate So Much Yarn, a yarn shop that recently moved to that area from its former location on 1st Ave. Turns out it's in a secure office complex upstairs from Cost Plus. I bought more buttons, fondled many beautiful skeins of yarn, played with the two French bulldogs who belong to the store owner (I'm assuming), and shot the breeze with her and the other salesperson. From there I headed into the Pike Place Market and poked around a few stalls before becoming overwhelmed by the crush of dazed tourist bodies and finally realizing that that wasn't the right place for me to be on a Saturday. LOL. So I went up into the shopping district and meandered around for a bit; tried on some shoes (didn't buy any). Next I walked up Pike into Capitol Hill. By the time I crossed the 5 and Boren Ave. I was pretty thirsty, so I stopped into the new Victrola and got a nice blackberry Italian soda. I sat on their couch and enjoyed that for a bit while playing around with some knitting. Then I headed up to Broadway, bought some band-aids for the big blister I could feel forming on the top of my big toe (I was wearing sandals). By then I was starving, so I walked north on Broadway and got some Ethiopian food for dinner. After completely gorging myself on a vege combo, I headed north again, up Broadway, down 10th Ave. to Roanoke, through the little park, along side streets until I had to join up with Harvard Ave, across the University Bridge, up the Burke-Gilman for a little bit, then up to 40th St., over to the Aurora Ave. footbridge at 41st St., and home. I got home at about 9:30pm, and I was completely spent. I showered and went straight to bed, where I read myself to sleep.

Both of these "exercise experiences" contributed to a growing thing within me: a connection to myself, my own voice, and my place in the world that has eluded me for a few years. I hadn't exactly lost touch with this thing (to me, the list of 3 things are all aspects of the same thing, rather than separate things), it was more that...I didn't like the self I had become. I felt lost and aimless and stuck, along with a sense of despair about ever being able to "move" myself or accomplish anything in the world again. I believed that "my time" (whatever that means) had come and gone, and that the best I could hope for anymore was simply to make do, get by. It sounds pretty pathetic--and it's important to point out that these weren't the only things I felt; they were mixed with happiness and appreciation for various good things in my life. The point is that I hadn't completely lost touch with myself and my feelings, it's just that I didn't like myself, and I was feeling negative things. So being in touch with that was not affirming or energizing; it was depressing, even though it was honest. That is what I was feeling, how I saw myself and my prospects, and I think it was important to be in touch with that even though it was also depressing and discouraging. I'm just glad that I'm shifting away from that now, and that I have gotten to the point where...it no longer predominates. I feel good. Happy. Strong. Capable. Interested in things. Thankful for my life and my loved ones.

Things and Stuff

2009-07-10T18:48:59Z

Haven't been here for awhile. No real reason why, just that I've been doing more "taking in" than "giving out" lately. Also I've been out of town on weekends and working on my dissertation on weekdays. This weekend I'm staying home while glaucon heads down to the Oregon Country Fair. I was going to go, but a) really can't afford it; and b) I would like to make use of a full weekend at home to put my things in order, get a little extra writing done on the diss, and spend some quality time with myself, doing things I really want to do. I plan to do a big long city hike of some sort tomorrow (Saturday), and on Sunday I'll be staying closer to home to catch up on laundry, put away the random stacks of books on my bookshelves, and generally tidy up my room and my life. Next weekend glaucon's sister, little brother, and sister's boyfriend will be in town for a visit. Then on Tuesday the 21st, I leave for 2 weeks in Michigan. My siblings and I are doing some sprucing up work on our parents' house, to get it ready to go on the market. Great time for that, eh? While in Michigan, I'll also be spending a day or two out at the cottage my sisters rent every summer: it's right on Lake Michigan. I might also be going to a high school reunion...but I still have some trepidations about that.

My running has been going really, really well. My legs feel great: strong and resilient. While in Portland for the 4th, the friends with whom we were staying pointed me toward the Nike corporate headquarters' running track, which is conveniently located across the street from their house. It's a nearly 2-mile woodchip-covered trail that circumnavigates the compound. A very nice running experience, save for the creepy statues that loom in the shadows. Once I figured out that they were inanimate objects, there for my edification, rather than stalkers standing off alongside the trail, I was relatively OK with them. My point is that I had the opportunity to keep up my running routine while out of town--and more importantly, that I availed myself of that opportunity. I got up somewhat early (8am--not too early) and ran both Saturday and Sunday. I've kept to my routine this week as well. The last few weeks have been a little test of my commitment, because I've just been running without a clear plan beyond simply maintaining mileage. I was initially planning to do this for 2 weeks, but I stretched it into 4 weeks. Despite feeling really good, I'm also being cautious. I'm afraid of getting sidelined with an injury again. Of course, I haven't completely abided by my "maintain mileage" agenda: I've been finding little ways to "sneak" extra challenges into my runs. On Tuesday I threw in a weird course change that added about 6 blocks to my usual "bread-n-butter" route, and also took me through some residential areas I've never really seen before, which was cool. Yesterday I did about the same thing, in a different direction, and ended up running about 4 extra blocks, 2 of which consisted of a killer uphill climb. My legs are actually a little achy today from that--LOL. On Sunday I'll jump headlong into the "challenge myself" pool by starting the marathontraining.com Mileage Build-Up Plan. Wish me luck!

Now...back to the book.

w00t!

2009-06-15T17:41:17Z

I finished my 10-week "get off your butt and run" plan today! I'm very proud of myself for sticking with the plan and not trying to jump over the beginning and intermediate steps. My legs feel strong, resilient, and flexible! As is usually the case with me, my spirit/soul/psyche (whatever you want to call it) is following suit. I actually really like how interconnected my experiences of mind and body are. Sometimes it's a pain...like when I have pressing deadlines and try to make space in my schedule by skipping a couple of runs...which alwaysalwaysalways backfires. But mostly I think of this as one of my strengths.

Next up: 1 more week of running ~3 miles X4. (I'm actually running closer to 3.3 miles.) Then I'll increase my Sunday run to 4 miles (which conforms to the 10% rule) and do that for 2 weeks, then I'll start this 20-week mileage buildup plan. If all goes well with that, I will then start an actual marathon training plan.

Probably. Maybe. We'll see. I may decide that I don't want to run another marathon. I had a lot of fun running the first one, but I'm not big on the road racing. I've run a few, and the marathon was really the only one I really loved doing. My main goal right now is just to get myself up to running 25-30 miles per week--without getting injured!!!--which the above-linked mileage buildup plan hopefully will do. In my experience, that level of mileage is optimal for me, in terms of how I feel. Or...it was, 4-5 years ago. "Optimal" is obviously a variable, not a set point. So yeah, we'll see. It will be interesting to find out.

RWPKR

2009-06-09T17:10:35Z

READING: Just started The Accord by Keith Brooke. I'm only about 5 pages in, so I haven't formulated an opinion about it yet. I recently finished reading his Genetopia, during the Philly trip. I really enjoyed that, although the last 50 pages or so seemed somewhat rushed--disjointed and kind of mashed together. I continue to work on The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen--I like it, it's just really dense, and I can't read a ton of it in one sitting.

WATCHING: Nothing new, really. We continue to plug away at TNG--we're a couple of discs into season 4 at this point. We just met Alexander. I've been watching back episodes of House here and there, mainly over breakfast. I have a very deep fondness for medical procedurals, particularly ones that are all about solving the puzzle...whether it's a pathologist or forensic specialist trying to solve a murder (like Quincy or Bones) or something more like House, with a doctor trying to figure out what the patient has. Maybe my love for this genre is related to my one-in-a-million appendix, I don't know. No. Can't be that. I've loved this kind of stuff for a long time, since I was a punk ass kid. I think I just like shows in which a puzzle needs to be worked out, because I also love police procedurals (the really good ones).

PLANNING: Between now and Monday I'll be dealing with end-of-quarter stuff. Next week is the CUSP retreat (CUSP is the program through which I teach at UW-Bothell). Sometime in July I'll be going to Michigan to do some work on my parents' house, and of course to visit my family and hopefully a couple of friends.

KNITTING: I started knitting Cassidy by Chic Knits (Bonne Marie Burns) during the Philly trip. It's a hoodie knit in pieces, which I figured (correctly, it turns out) would be nice and portable for all that airplane nonsense. I finished the first sleeve and most of the second sleeve during the trip. The 2nd sleeve is now done, and I'm about halfway done with the back. I also finished a sweater of my own devising (with a little help from Elizabeth Zimmerman for the basic plan) for glaucon. I call it "Viridis". Here's a link to my knitting blog entry about both of these projects.

RUNNING: I had a 2-day glitch last week, due to travel and the ensuing fatigue, so I just completed week 9 of the First Steps plan this morning. (Normally I finish the running week on Saturday.) I'll start week 10 tomorrow, I think. I plan to repeat week 10 a time or two after the first time. In other words, I plan to spend 2-3 weeks running 12 miles per week before moving on to the next training plan, the one that will gradually (over 20 weeks) increase my mileage to the point where I can reasonably begin training for a marathon. The running feels really good. Sunday's run was a little bit of a slog, but today I totally shredded, man. My self-confidence and overall mood are definitely showing improvement--I still have occasional anxiety spikes, but nothing like what I was dealing with in 2006 and especially 2007. I hope I never experience that degree of anxiety again.

Here's Something Interesting.

2009-06-04T20:47:28Z

Someone unearthed a urine-filled "witch bottle," circa 17th C. The bottle also contains nail clippings, pins, and hair. Oh and yes, the urine is human, apparently. It was all sealed up inside of this bottle and buried upside down.

I'm completely intrigued. I love reading about the different ways in which people try to make sense of, and to control, their lives, environments, and interactions with others.

Link to the story, complete with X-ray image.

Jeremy & Laura Pics

2009-06-03T16:56:36Z

Hi Everyone--
I took a mess of pics at the karaoke portion of Jeremy & Laura's wedding celebration this past weekend (in Philly). Here's a link to the set on flickr:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/62619686@N00/sets/72157619034041485/

Unfortunately I took almost no pictures at the wedding on Saturday! I don't know why. I kind of forgot my camera was there, I think. Fortunately lots of other people took pictures, so there are plenty of them out there.

Anyway, enjoy!

Long Term Goals

2009-05-25T20:34:58Z

I'm so happy with how my running routine is going that I'm starting to feel optimistic enough to set some longer (than 10 weeks) goals again. I'm into week 8 of the training plan I've been following, with no pain, no injuries, no feelings of running with cement globs hanging off my legs, etc. I feel great. Touch wood, please! After this week, only 2 weeks more before I have to move on to something else. I am leery of running sans plan, so I did some googling and found this 19-week plan for building mileage, preparatory to beginning a marathon training plan. (So it's a plan to train for a training plan, basically--so meta!) It looks really good--perfect, actually. Slow and steady, yet still challenging, with tangible goals: just what I need. I think I'm going to finish the plan I'm doing now (duh), then spend 2 weeks repeating week 10 just to make sure my body is really-really-really OK with it, and then move on to the aforelinked mileage building plan. We'll see how that goes. If it goes poorly, I'll just keep plugging away at whatever mileage I can do without hurting myself. If it goes well, I will move on to a bona fide marathon training plan at the end of that 19-20 weeks. And if that goes well, I think I will run the Capitol City Marathon next May. It looks like a really cool course, and has the added benefits of being relatively small and close to home, but still with good water and energy support on the course. (I like that they use Gu rather than PowerGel or any energy bar.)

Hmmmmmm. We'll see. I have other goals for the coming year that may interfere--this would definitely just be the frosting on the cake I'm trying to bake.

I'm not normally very much into running races--I don't much like the whole race mentality, and haven't run very many races since I ran track in high school. However, there is something about the marathon that is an enduring draw for me. I've only run one before--the Vermont City Marathon, Y2K edition (same year my divorce was final and I finished my M.A.), which I finished (officially) in 3:58:23. Ooooh, and check it out: my results are still available online! (Enter my name into the search engine: Sharon Crowley.) [It would be kinda fun to travel there to run it again next year...but I think I would prefer to stay closer to home. I do miss Vermont, though...and would love to do that race again.] I love the challenge of running that far, that long. I didn't do it--and I won't do it now--for the "race" aspect, but rather for the challenge and the accomplishment, the incredible feeling (at least partly biochemical, I know--hello, endorphin high!) of keeping my body going for that long, and exhausting it so thoroughly, using up every ounce of reserve energy. It's best to do that kind of endurance running with good support, in my experience. And frankly, it's fun to have a festival atmosphere in which to do it, too.

But mostly, I'm finding tremendous joy in setting a long-term goal. I have felt so...adrift, over the last couple of years. Lost. Stuck. Blocked. Anxious. Those feelings are easing now, and I feel like I'm re-learning how to drive my own life, run in my own body (rather than a "wishful" body), speak and write in my own voice. How to be happy. How to enjoy where and who I am while also, occasionally, looking toward good things in the future. I know it's a weird historical moment to be experiencing optimism; nevertheless, I am, and I'm grateful for it.

RWPKR

2009-05-23T17:24:22Z

I'm moving this feature to Saturday mornings, so it corresponds to the end of my running week. I think of Saturday as the last day of the week anyway--I guess this is residue from my Catholic upbringing. So here goes...

READING: This week I've been reading short fiction: "Birth Days" by Geoff Ryman, which was recommended to me by one of my committee members. It took me about a month and a half to procure a copy--I had to do an inter-library loan request for The Year's Best Science Fiction, volume 21, which is apparently very hard to come by. I searched new and used bookstores around town, and managed to find volumes 18, 19, 20, 22, and so on, but no volume 21. So I put in the ILL request, and it took them a month to fill it--the copy that finally arrived was from a public library somewhere. I had the book in my possession for a grand total of a half hour--just long enough for me to photocopy the story and put the book into the returns drop box. Sheesh! At least the story was worth it. In addition to that, I've also been making my way through Brain Stableford's Designer Genes (a short story collection), which is perhaps a little too "rah-rah" about biotechnology for my taste, but the stories are nicely weird, well-written and interesting.

WEARING: At the moment I'm still in my running clothes. Oh wait, I changed the W to...
WATCHING: Chris and I continue to make progress through our various Star Trek watch-a-thons. We finished season 3 of TNG, and just watched the movies VI (The Undiscovered Country, one of my favorites) and VII (Generations); plus I watched V (The Final Frontier) by myself, because Chris hatezes it. I think that's about it for the W's.

PLANNING: A rollicking good weekend! Today I'm going to finish up my laundry, which at this point merely entails folding the clean laundry and putting all the sheets back on my bed (I washed the mattress pad and pillow slip covers in addition to the "regular" sheets). Tonight at midnight I'm going to see the Nazi Zombies SIFF movie at the Egyptian, with a couple of knitting friends. Before then I'm going out for drinks with Chris and a couple of other friends. Tomorrow it's brunch followed by an afternoon at Folk Life. Monday...I don't know yet what I'm doing during the day; in the evening I'll be at Purlygirls. Next week/weekend Chris and I are flying (separately--he's leaving Tuesday, I'm leaving Thursday morning) to Philadelphia for a wedding. We both get back on Monday 6/1.

KNITTING: I'm almost done with "Viridis," a.k.a. "The Big Green Box (Stitch)," the sweater I'm making for Chris. I'm hoping to finish that this weekend--I have joined the sleeves and started the yoke. I don't know what I'm going to knit next. I definitely want to cast on for something before I leave, or at least have something ready to start so that I can do some knitting on the plane.

RUNNING: I finished up Week 7 of the Runner's World "First Steps" program today--this morning, in fact. This week's formula for each run was 3[9(r) + 1(w)]. Next week, which starts tomorrow, it'll be 2[13(r) + 2(w)]. Where: r = running, w = walking, and the units = minutes. Heee! It's fun to build mathematical expressions! I'm looking forward to next week because fewer repeats and longer intervals spent running equals less time checking my watch. Today's run was really good. I enjoyed it right from the beginning. I figured out another way that running helps me spiritually, too: I find it easier to do that visualization thing--you know, "see yourself accomplishing your goals!"--when I'm actually in the act of accomplishing one. I also re-affirmed my preference for running in the morning. These two things are related: it's good to start the day with an accomplishment, especially one that makes me feel strong and capable of committing to the small steps required to reach a big goal. It is, perhaps, a little sad that I still need to be reminded of this, at my age (where is that wisdom and self-knowledge, that "my own" I'm supposed to "come into" as I get older?), but I guess it's good that reminding myself still works.

Odd Impulse?

2009-05-17T21:32:47Z

Am I a weirdo, or would you have this impulse too?

I'm reading an essay by a fairly well-known scholar, about the Bodyworlds exhibit(s). In the essay, the scholar, as is very standard scholarly practice, refers to the work of another scholar who is considered an expert on this subject. "Other scholar" is Jose Van Dijck, Professor of Media and Culture at the University of Amsterdam. Now...seeing the name, what would you assume about "other scholar"'s gender? "Author scholar" assumed that Van Dijck is male, but in fact she is female. Here is a link to her faculty bio/profile, picture included.

I get that "Jose" is a male name in Spanish-speaking contexts, but it seems like one of the responsibilities of scholarship is to look into the matter before making assumptions and embedding those assumptions in a published essay. For that matter, I'm surprised that none of the peer reviewers caught and corrected the error. So I have a very strong impulse, right now, to send "Author scholar" a friendly, fact-correcting email.

Would you feel this impulse? Would you follow through on it?

FWIW, I probably won't follow through on it, because the issue has virtually no bearing on the content or import of this article; and I have no way of knowing that the error was made by Author scholar anyway. I feel like I would just come across as...that person. KWIM? LOL.

Anatomy of Today's Run

2009-05-16T15:42:03Z

Interval 1 (9 mins running): Kind of a slog, especially the first 5-6 minutes. I felt old and mildly decrepit.

Interval 2 (2 mins walking): Phew! Stretched my arms and upper back. Yawned a lot. Legs started to feel a little bit springier.

Interval 3 (9 mins running): Nice, even, and smooth, like I could keep going at this pace all damn day if I wanted to. I felt like a "real runner" again, for the first time in a couple of years. I run an out-and-back course, and usually turn around about midway through this interval; today I had to go an extra block beyond my usual turnaround point (which means I got to that point about a minute faster than usual).

Interval 4 (2 mins walking): Legs felt a little twitchy, like..."Why are we walking, again? Who's idea was this? Can I speak with the manager, please?"

Interval 5 (9 mins running): Pure play! Legs wanted to sprint and frolic. When I got to the end of this interval, it was hard to convince myself to walk the rest of the way home.

That concludes week 6 of the plan. Next week, I'll be doing 9 minute running intervals broken up by 1 minute walking intervals. I really, really like this plan. It allows me to focus on the running rather than my watch. I do best when I don't have gadgets intruding on my consciousness too often. But also, by emphasizing time spent running rather than distance covered, it seems to short-circuit my tendency to push myself "just a little bit further" than I ought to go.

I'm amazed at the difference it is making, in my body and my mind. I am starting to feel more gregarious again, less inhibited or anxious about socializing with people. Better still, I am feeling genuinely interested in, and excited by, my academic work again.

Now I'm off to shower, and then to Essential Bakery Cafe to meet Sarah for our Destination: Yarn jaunt.

Finish-itis

2009-05-13T02:39:55Z

I've had finish-itis this week. I finished 2 pieces of knitting--a cardigan and a lace shawl--and bought blocking supplies from Home Despot on Saturday so I could wash and block them. I bought buttons on Sunday and sewed them on the cardigan yesterday (Monday) morning. I am almost done grading the student papers I received on Friday (w00t!).

Then today I had to seriously talk myself out of skipping straight to week 7 of the training plan I'm doing. At first it seemed reasonable, because the running intervals are the same length (9 minutes each), and it's only the walking intervals that are different (2 minutes for week 6; 1 minute for week 7). No. It's not reasonable. It's the way to hurt myself. I didn't do it. I just really want to get through this part of the "get my running legs back" program, and go straight to the part where I have my running legs back. No. There are no shortcuts. The only reasonable path is to take it one step at a time, while also paying attention to my body and taking care of it, treating it with kindness and patience rather than trying to force it into something it's not ready for.

But oh. The way my lungs feel. This is bringing a feeling of depth, peace, and openness to my chest that I have missed. I can breathe again, and I didn't even realize I'd been having trouble with that. And my legs. I can feel the blood flowing through them again. They are starting to feel stronger and more resilient, more playful and activity-inclined.

It's good.

The Value of Pace

2009-05-03T23:23:56Z

I'm sitting at the Fremont Coffee Company right now, ostensibly grading the last few papers I need to finish before tomorrow. I'm sitting next to a lovely photograph of rain droplets on spruce branches.

Today I started week 6 of the Runner's World First Steps program that I posted about a few days ago (I was in week 5 of the C-2-5k plan, so I just switched to week 5 of the RW-FS plan). This is a milestone for me because when I have tried to run the C-2-5k plan several different times in the past, I always seem to lose interest or get injured (because I try to run too fast, too early in the program) at around week 4 or 5. My running peters out, I take an unplanned month off, and then I have to start right back at square 1 when I get up the gumption to start again. It's fairly discouraging. This time...I'm making it through, and more importantly I know I will make it through, to the end of the plan and beyond. I can't explain how or why I know it, I just do. It feels good and right and true. I'm enjoying it so much; the gentle re-introduction plan seems to have enabled me to bypass the worst of the aches and pains that usually make the start of any exercise regimen so...well, achy and painful. I haven't felt anything that I would describe as "pain," only the good, mild ache of well-earned fatigue. A nice thing: I am slipping happily and naturally into a 4 day/week regimen, which I feel will be easy to transform over the summer into my ultimate goal of a 5 day/week regimen. Another nice thing: how my legs feel. I can feel them changing, getting stronger and more resilient, with each passing week. Actually, that's true of my whole body. It is soaking this up and asking for more. Oh, and...my clothes (especially my pants) are just barely starting to fit a little better, too. This is good because they were really getting too tight, and I can't afford to replace them.

That's about it for now. Back to work.

Water, Meet Duck's Back

2009-05-01T19:11:03Z

Water mercurial beading up on a duck's feathers, then slipping away.

That's what I want stress to do.

Visualize......

Nothing matters but the step I'm taking right now.

Running Update

2009-04-28T19:57:07Z

Today, thanks to a friend who posted this on her blog, I learned about Runner's World's "First Steps" program. II like it much better than the CoolRunning Couch-to-5k plan because it's a lot more streamlined, and it has you do a workout 4 times per week instead of 3, which is also better IMO; or at least it has always worked out better for me, to run 4 or 5 days per week. Also, it has you running longer intervals sooner, more consistently. The CR plan throws in one longer interval per week, starting at week 5, but I feel like that's a bit too soon because the plan hasn't really trained your body to withstand that yet. The RW plan takes more time to get there, but I feel like it will build a better foundation first. Running far and well is all about having a good base.

So this week I'm going to switch, and I'll also add a day of running (probably on Saturday).

Today's run was wonderful, BTW. It felt smooth and even. Best of all, I could actually feel it doing its "thing" on my psyche, building my patience and reminding me how to let anxiety roll off. This is a hard thing for me, and running certainly isn't a panacea, but it is the best thing I've tried.

Fast Sharon

2009-04-20T06:25:08Z

I had a wonderful run today. I kept it low and slow almost the whole time. I'm still alternating running and walking for a few more weeks yet; but I'm covering about 3.2 miles overall. Anyway, for the last half mile or so I couldn't resist pushing my pace a bit. My legs felt springy and desirous of speed. I couldn't very well deny them altogether, now, could I? It felt good...I was a little worried that "Fast Sharon" might not be in there anymore, that she might have let herself out while I was busy getting too old for this shit. But no, she's still there. She'll just require a more finessed coaxing than she used to, I think.

Mind you, she's not all that fast, objectively speaking. She...I...(whatever) do alright, but I'd never hold a candle to, say, Joan Benoit Samuelson or anything, so I should be clear that I don't mean to imply any such thing. No...by "Fast Sharon," I just mean...the fast version of me, the one who can get a bit of lead out when she's so inclined. The one who likes to be able to, every now and then.

Running

2009-04-15T03:21:42Z

On my run today, I think I figured out why I've had problems with a couple of different kinds of tendinitis in my life (primarily since my mid-30's): it is incredibly difficult for me to make myself run as slowly as I ought. I love running so much, I just want to open it up and go.

After a few weeks of fits and starts, I've been following this Couch-to-5K plan pretty well. Sort of. I'm following the principle of it, i.e. to start out running and walking in equal, alternating, short intervals of 1-2 minutes, and then to gradually increase the time spent running. Train 3 days per week, etc. Anyway, it's a good plan. The best thing about it is that it has gentleness built right in. But still, during my running intervals I have to constantly remind myself to slow down, and to stop running and start walking at the end of the interval. I don't want to. I want to run fast and long. But my leg muscles and bones and assorted connective tissues aren't ready for that yet.

What I really want is to be in the kind of shape I was in a few years ago. Correcting for the fact that I'm older, of course. This desire is dangerous and ultimately self-destructive, or at least counterproductive, because it leads me to push myself too hard, too far, too fast, and that's how I get injured.

What I have to convince myself to want is simply to be in better shape than I am now, and not to worry about where I was a few years ago, or where I'll be in a year or a few years from now. My therapist likes the phrase "Live in the moment." I like that phrase, too.

Run in the moment.

I guess the plan is helping me with that. I enjoy the workouts tremendously, in and of themselves. It's easier, what with all the flowering trees and shrubs and regular flowers I get to see along my route. I've been trying to make a game out of using my running watch--see how close to the exact minute marks I can get without going over, try to predict where I'll be when the clock tells me to switch from running to walking or back again, etc. This is weird for me, because I generally don't like using any kind of gadget when I run (this includes my i-Pod), but it's easier to keep track of time than distance with this plan because it changes every week, and eventually the intervals get all mixed up and crazy, so...watch it is. The rest of the time I like to think about things, plan things, figure things out. Reassure myself. Breathe my way out of anxiety.

Oh, and my hair is now long enough for pigtails. It has been for awhile, but they actually look cute now. So...I'm a runner and a 42 year old wearer of pigtails. :-)

In other news, yesterday I finally used my 5 song credits that the i-Tunes people gave me for some weird glitch that happened when I migrated my music to my new computer. I've had them (both the computer and the credits) for a couple of years. I bought 5 different recordings of "All Along the Watchtower." Unfortunately not including Bear McCreary's, which doesn't seem to be available on i-Tunes. I got one by Jimi, one by Dylan, one by U2, one by the Indigo Girls, and one by XTC. I was surprised at how many different people have covered this song, some of them multiple times. I'm curious to compare them.

Checking in...

2009-04-14T23:38:53Z

I haven't been here in awhile. I'm not really here now. Just putting in a little filler to maybe get myself used to the idea of writing something here again.

My life is still my life. I am still me.

Heading out for a run now. Oh yeah! I'm still doing that. Still knitting, too. Still teaching and grading and writing.

Dear Lazyweb...WTF?

2009-03-23T21:48:37Z

Can anyone out there explain why Yahoo mail keeps crashing Firefox on me today? I'm using a MacBook with the newest version of OS-X, fully updated and current (ditto Firefox), etc. As soon as I open the mail window--and only on Yahoo--I get the spinning rainbow ball, and it takes *forever* to load my inbox. Then I click on a message...again, spinning rainbow ball and a long wait. When I try to reply to a message, that's when all hell breaks loose and the program (Firefox) just stops responding. Oh, and yes...I tried switching back to Yahoo's "classic" mail and the same thing happened.

Is this just a temporary problem with Yahoo's mail servers--something everyone out there is probably experiencing--as glaucon has surmised? Or is it potentially a problem with malware or some other crap like that having been loaded into my computer surreptitiously? I know Macs are widely considered to be mostly immune to such malevolent viral forces, but I figure it's only a matter of time, and now is as good of a time as any, ya know? I'm suspicious because this is happening on the heels a very noticeable uptick in Russian spam to my yahoo inbox, which started about a month ago. I get *tons* of it, and Yahoo's spam filter, which generally works really well, seems almost helpless against it.

Anyway. Any insights would be much appreciated.

BSG Finale--Brief Comments

2009-03-21T18:52:09Z

So I was generally satisfied with the ending to the show. I thought they wrapped up the narratives for all of the major characters pretty well. I like how they left it.

Except for one thing--and this extends a critique of racial politics in the show that I've been developing for quite awhile. I've posted this comment to a discussion forum that I belong to, and have received the expected responses: "Yeah, that troubled me too." and "Cut them some slack. It wasn't intentional." (The latter type of response outnumbers the former by about 2:1.)

Did they really need to knit BSG history into our earth history by dropping a bunch of white people into the middle of Africa, and then implying that a half white, half Asian/cylon child is the Mitochondrial Eve of all humanity? This amounts to an ethnic cleansing of our theories of the deep, evolutionary history of the human species: it is like...reassuring white people that "they" contributed to our early development as a species too. In the scene where the line of BSG characters (Tigh, Galen, Adama Sr., Lee, and Hoshi...I think--all men, you'll notice) is observing the passing group of...presumably Homo erectus or Australopithecus people...they actually say, "our DNA is compatible with theirs--we can interbreed with them." As viewers, we are meant to feel good about this eventuality, to feel as if this offers a chance at rebirth, new life, for the people we have come to love and to identify with, over 4.5 seasons. However, I have to point out that the logic being expressed here is the same logic that Thomas Jefferson employed, in his treatise advocating that white settlers interbreed with indigenous people as one part of an overall plan to eradicate their cultures and assimilating any survivors into the invading, colonizing English/Western European culture. This narrative of hope and rebirth in a "new land" is the mask for a colonizing impulse. Lee Adama advocates "breaking the cycle," but in fact they are not breaking that cycle, they are simply choosing new subjects to dominate.

And no, I am not going to "cut them some slack" for this. I'm actually more troubled by the thought that this narrative move was unintentional, rather than overt and consciously intended. Why? Because it is the unconscious, unquestioned racist assumptions that have historically been far more difficult to confront, counteract, and uproot, than the overt and premeditated acts of racist bigotry. However, just because I'm not cutting them slack doesn't mean I am dismissing the show out of hand for being "racist." It's not that simple. The fact is, we are all racist, if you want to use that kind of grammar. What I mean is, we all grow up steeped in a culture and language that are profoundly structured by racist logics. There is no "pure" cultural space in which to stand or from which to judge and to speak; no "pure" cultural food that we can eat or feed to our children, if you'll pardon that metaphor.

Narratives are complex. People are complex. But we don't do ourselves any favors by setting aside or turning a blind eye toward the complexities we find distasteful, in favor of the ones we like. To do so is to oversimplify. I am not "ruining the show" by expressing my critique of it. The best we can do is to fully recognize, think through, and openly discuss logics of dominance whenever and wherever we meet them--whether it's in a beloved book or TV show, a historical figure, our parents, or ourselves. That is the hard work that is required, if we truly want to bring about social justice in this profoundly unjust world.

Personal Retreat Needed

2009-03-05T08:41:31Z

I think I need to arrange a retreat for myself--to take some much needed "time away" from the distractions of my life. What I would really like is to find a low-tech cabin or inn somewhere, and to go there without any of my technological distractions--no phone, no computer (the temptation of searching out wi-fi would be too great), no i-Pod. Just me, my books, perhaps a knitting project, pens, and notebooks, plus a draft of my current dissertation chapter in hard copy.

If I were to do this, the place would need to be quiet, secluded, and cheap, preferably cheap enough for me to stay there for 4-5 nights. I can't afford a lot, but I think I can afford something, particularly if it's bus- or train-able from home. Oh, and it would need to be available during my spring break, which starts March 23rd (or when I get my grades done, which could be earlier). Classes start up again on March 30th. So that's my time frame.

Suggestions? I'm all ears. I need me some serenity, man.

Auf Russisch

2009-03-05T00:49:29Z

So...I've been getting a lot of Russian spam in my Yahoo inbox lately. My Gmail spam still seems to consist mainly of ads for cheap Viagra and other meds, Hottt XXX 16 year old virgins, and Rolex watches, of all things. But on Yahoo...it's all in Russian. Real Russian, Cyrillic alphabet and all. I keep marking the messages as spam, but they keep showing up in my inbox all the same. Today I got two identical messages from the same sender--oddly, the spam filter grabbed the first one and whammied that bad boy straight to my spam folder; but the second went to my regular inbox. I have two questions about all this:

1. What's behind this crazy Russian spam uptick? Maybe it's because This guy is right?

2. Is it possible to set my spam filter to capture any/all messages written in alphabets that I cannot read?

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope!